Monkist Story

We've all been there. You're sitting minding your own business then boom, you thought of that embarrassing thing you did or that thing you wish you never said and you cringe instantly burning with shame.

 

What a shit feeling....

 

Trust me I know. For the longest time it felt like my brain was just wired to fuck my day up with things like this. 

 

Often when I was doing non-brain demanding tasks I would be checked out deep in thought, not present, not focusing on what I was doing or the world around me.

 

If I was in a conversation and felt a little anxiety kick in i'd be thinking "can they tell?" "They must be able to tell, im acting so weird right now".

 

I was a slave to my own mind. Allowing it to pull my emotions in whatever direction it wanted whenever it wanted. This led to frequent negative emotions like anxiety, shame, sadness and even anger. 

 

Not only that but all this was fueling negative self talk damaging my self belief, self worth, and confidence. 

 

The craziest part, I wasn't even aware of all of this. All I knew was that I felt like shit. 

 

"This can't be what life has to offer me" "If I got myself here, I can get myself out"

 

Eventually I started researching and learning about anything that might relieve me of the negative emotions I was feeling. 

 

I developed a strong interest in the mind and body and the science behind it all.

 

For the body I began exercising and eating healthy. This helped but I was still often thinking myself into negative frames of my mind and emotions. 

 

So I began meditating. 

 

Surprisingly I learned meditation from scientists and their research rather than your sterotypical bald headed monk. 

 

I learned about the brains Default Mode Network (DMN) and how it's responsible for self-referential thinking, introspection, daydreaming, and mind-wandering. 

 

I learned that it's possible to have an overactive DMN and we've all heard the term "a wandering mind is an unhappy mind". 

 

I figured out that for whatever reason I had an over active DMN as well as an overactive amygdala which is responsible for driving fear and emotional reactions.

 

I was constantly more in my internal world (thoughts and feelings) rather than my external world even when I didn't need to be such as during conversations or doing daily tasks like brushing my teeth or washing the dishes. 

 

In other words my awareness was Interoceptively dominated and I needed to practice bringing my awareness toward exteroceptiveness (external world) to bring balance back to my mind. 

 

(*side note: Interoceptive vs Exteroceptive. One is not better than the other but rather your ability to move toward one or the other whenever needed.)